Break Up With Fake Love

For 3 years…3 entire years, we’ve climbed up and down every mountain, swam across every ocean, pushed aside great intentions, just to end up in the giant forest of lost, confused lovers who subconsciously knew where they were heading. This isn’t a cry for help, this isn’t a plea for forgiveness. This is my testimonial of how fucked up a human being has the ability to be…

His name is Jeff, he holds 17 years over me and still seems like he’s had as much life experience as a maggot. I don’t hate him, contrary to what I yell at him, and I know he doesn’t hate me. It seems that we’ve come to an intimidating test of patience, that looks like we will not pass. His lies simply cannot be denied, forgiven, nor forgotten. And that, my friends, leaves me in a cell with a small possibility of someone bringing the key. But really though, where is that damn key? The key to myself, my heart, my passions, me…and only me..? I have an eerie suspicion that this “key” might not exist at all. Like the dog who’s tied to the tree. If only he were smart enough to bite through that rope. Maybe there is a way out. I know what they’ll say, “Chris, you must realize the truth behind it all. Chris, you must forgive yourself and move on at your own pace.” Remember, you’re telling someone who runs before he walks, which has taken a major toll on my life. I have ADHD… and a bad case of it. Not to mention major depression, which has but my mother through a hell that the average joe could not even begin to imagine. I’m have severe fixed qualities and extremely set in stone about what I want in life. But looking deeper, it seems like just the opposite, I have no idea what I want!

It wasn’t this that set it off, it wasn’t that, that set it off, it’s been this and that, and oh, don’t forget that, and oh yeah, remember this time? I couldn’t tell you how many bombs have been dropped and why, for all the impulses have made it a blurred picture. I admit I’ve held secrets in the past, for my own selfish advantage, but nothing too extravagant. Probably the worse would be sending online messages to people from my past, confessing how much I missed that person, or not telling him about minor sexual encounters during one of our bi-weekly break-ups. Plus, I’ve held up my part of the deal by confessing these embarrassing stories. Which I know, is not easy. Why does he continue to lie to me? I don’t think he lies big time, but just enough to break my heart. What hurts even more, is that he’s pushed the envelope even further by fucking my best friends. Yeah, talk about a scar that ain’t goin’ nowhere. A four-year old could tell you we just don’t belong together, but my heart tells me to hold on strong, ’cause this is it, this is my love, this is my life’s best attribute. But how could someone who has the ability to hurt me so professionally, hold on to my interest so intensely? I’ve never been a co-dependent person, but I think I’ve grown into one. If I had a brain, this guy would be history. ‘Cause you can ask anyone, Chris Strickland (Mahood now) just don’t give a fuck! I attracted the people I call my friends because of my independent, sarcastic attitude towards life and how the typical southern gay personage just wasn’t me. I didn’t need a man. I was above that. I had a brain. And if you asked me for love tips, I would have told you that you were stupid to think it would ever last in the first place, giving the location and sexuality we posses. Well that cat has tripped and fallen on his stupid face, for everyone to point and laugh at. Not to his face, of course…

I know he won’t call. Not for closure, anyway. I’ll break before it happens. I don’t feel strongly about this kind of decision as I would have, say, a year or 2 years ago. Because I know this has happened too many times, and it seems like I’ve overlooked it as being a quality of our relationship that I’ll just have to get over.

January 17, I believe it was, he dropped a bomb on me that still holds weights down on my heart. He played the age-old break-up act. And damn, he played it good. I was so shocked and hurt, that he ran the game smack on me, and I fell for it. I gave him the satisfaction. I know the devastation of our recent break-up, 3 days before, that grew wilder in my heart, kept him up at night. So, he did what he had to do to push those thoughts out of his head, I should have known he was so desperate to have a chat with me about why I was the one in the wrong. He even took advantage of my real, mental disabilities, and insulted me for it! What a jerk! I sat there listening to my flaws and his lies and of course, me being stupid and careless about my own heart at the time, I cried even harder, thinking it would help. No. It didn’t. It made his evil, manipulative ego fly off the charts. He loved it. I gave him the satisfaction of feeling rationally guilt-free, while I hid under a rock of pathetic self-mutilation, for certain I was a horrible person. He ignored me every time I tried to approach, and even went to the lengths of changing his number.

February 5, I cried and begged my way back into the relationship by confessing the horrible things I’ve done, but also letting him know he was just as wrong, and has put me through major hell during the break-up. He fucked somebody 2 days after our break-up, go figure. I tried burning him for that, along with many other things, which he quickly justified as being someone else’s fault, or just confusing me altogether. So when we got back together, he did what any typical woman would do to manipulate a man she doesn’t want anymore, he kept me on the line, just because I still pleased in him in some way, which was sexually. He wanted my sex, and my admiration towards him. He even kept a new “friend” in the picture convincing me that there was nothing between the two, which was a complete lie I’ve come to find out. He needed a back-up plan. He even admitted this through frustration. Well I refuse to be his sloppy seconds, and I hope the guy he’s talking to, to have the brains to see it as well (who seems just as pathetic). But it’s alright, the only reason Brad (the new interest) would date him is because Jeff is SHOWING him interest. I’ll just let Brad get to know him, slowly and painfully, until he kicks him to the curb as well. I will not use this time for self-pity. I’m a smart, charming, funny, & FINE ass guy, that’s why the jerk fell in love with me in the first place. I will survive this, even if it kills me…