Somebody come save me…
The Sun: Your Ego Structure
The Sun is the center of the solar system. All life revolves around it. In the same way, the ego is the center of personal identity and gives integration and continuity to individual experience. In this sense, it might be said that the Sun in astrology reveals a person’s character and is the prime indicator of what the individual is trying to achieve. This is the fixed pillar at the center of the person around which all else circulates or revolves.
The sign placement of the Sun indicates how your natural drive and ambition are going to be directed. The sign of the Sun is the most primary indicator of the forms of experience you are attracted to. Further, this most important placement shows how and why you are attracted to these experiences.
The house placement of the Sun sign shows the primary area of expression for the individual in life. There is a psychological, emotional, and physical significance to the house placement of the Sun. Aspects to the Sun show ways that the core of the personality is linked to other component elements in the individual’s life. Aspects to the Sun have a deep and overriding significance in the life of the individual and are generally more important and more prominent than other aspects in the chart.
The Moon: Your Personal Life
The Moon inscribes a circle around the earth. It moves more swiftly than other astronomical bodies and thus represents day-to-day and moment-to-moment movements, adjustments and preoccupations. The Moon in astrology represents the inner, emotional life, and the unconscious, which is molded and shaped by our environment, by events, and by social and familial expectations. Further, the Moon indicates how we respond to life as a result of our past habits and experiences, our heritage, and our individual and collective instincts.
The sign placement of the Moon tells a lot about your private inner life, how the instinctive and imaginative component of your mind operates, how you express your feelings and your most general experiences of your family and mother.
The house placement of the Moon shows how and where you make day-to-day adjustments and indicates which realm of experience will play a dominant role in your emotional life. Further, it shows the things you are most drawn to in order to gain emotional equilibrium.
The aspects of the Moon show general characteristics of the personality that are emphasized. Planets in aspect to the Moon are symbolic of qualities in the personality that are used instinctively, habitually and with a high degree of versatility.
While the Sun reveals your intended purposes and lessons for this present life cycle, the Moon represents what you have already done and developed, hence, what is instinctive and natural to you, and what you tend to do over and over again. Your childhood is also reflected in the Moon’s placement, as it is through those childhood circumstances that any unresolved past-life issues are re-stimulated. Your subconscious predisposition is indicated by the Moon’s position. It is the psychic imprint of the past. The nodes of the Moon in an astrology chart describe behavior patterns from the past and indicate the direction you are evolving toward as you move forward in your life.
Mercury: Your Mental Life
Mercury is the closest planet to the Sun. From the viewpoint of the earth it seems to dart back and forth across the face of the Sun. Mercury is the planet of your mental life. It shows how you receive, process and disseminate information. It also relates to short trips, siblings and other aspects of your immediate environment. The sign placement of Mercury shows your basic attitude and mental habits. The aspects of Mercury show your scope of vision and your methods for accomplishing tasks.
Venus: Your Love Nature
The planet Venus shows the way you express your love nature and what you aspire for in life as good or beautiful. It also influences your approach to partnerships and indicates what adjustments will be made in order to encourage a loving relationship. Venus loves harmony and is drawn to social activities of all kinds, as will as the arts (music, dance, literature and drama, among others). The sign placement of Venus describes your style of sharing your love with others. The house placement of Venus shows the natural area of expression for your love energy. The aspects of Venus indicate how and under what circumstances you express the gentle and loving side of your nature.
Mars: Your Energy
Mars is the planet of desire and will. It shows how you aim at your goals and how you power yourself toward your goals. Mars represents your most fundamental passions. The sign placement of Mars shows the fundamental nature of your assertions. The house placement of Mars shows the area of your life where you tend to be most active. The aspects to Mars show how and to what extent your desires and assertions are involved with other aspects of living.
Jupiter: Your Values
Jupiter is the king of the planets. He is in charge of the order of creation. Jupiter shows your values, where you feel confident and in control, and where you feel you have something to teach others. Jupiter also rules religion, philosophy, long-distance travel and higher education. The sign placement of Jupiter describes your values in life. The house placement of Jupiter shows the area of life where you feel luckiest and the area where you receive the most help from other people and from the cosmos. The aspect patterns to Jupiter show the direct network of good and administrative power in your life.
Saturn: Your Obligations
The planet Saturn shows where you feel restricted. You feel obligations and fears through Saturn, the taskmaster of the zodiac. Saturn rewards discipline, hard work and perseverance. The sign placement of Saturn shows the basic type of energy connected with your obligations. The house placement of Saturn shows an area of life that you feel restricted in and where you have to work hard to obtain the things that come to you. The aspects of Saturn show the most direct involvement of other areas of your life with your feelings of responsibility.
Uranus: Your Search For Freedom
The planet Uranus is beyond the orbit of Saturn and can’t be seen without the aid of a telescope. It represents the sky in us, that which transcends the limits of finite life. Uranus represents originality and unconventionality. It can stimulate sudden or erratic change, like that expressed in revolution, or the invention of new ways of doing things. The sign placement of Uranus shows your broadest striving for freedom. The house placement of Uranus indicates your area of direct unique expression. The aspects to Uranus indicate the way you express your need for higher consciousness.
Neptune: Your Spiritual Aspirations and Ideals
The planet Neptune has an almost perfectly circular orbit. It represents the part of our nature that strives for perfection, that looks to some higher ideal. The planet Neptune rules the ocean and the part of us that is beyond the limits of the shores of personal existence, namely the unconscious. It also rules our dreams. The culture moves with the cycles of Neptune and it is the primary indicator of your connection to the culture that you live in. The sign of Neptune shows an ideal that you desire to manifest. The house placement of Neptune shows the area of your life that you want to express this ideal in. The aspect patterns of Neptune indicate the most direct connections yet most subtle networking of your personality into the world at large.
Pluto: Your Need For Fundamental Change
The planet Pluto represents the dark underground part of you. It shows your ability to transform the most fundamental properties in your own inner nature. The sign of Pluto is the way the obsessive, compulsive and committed part of your nature expresses itself. The house placement of Pluto shows the area of life where you make your most fundamental and most potent changes. The aspects to Pluto show the deepest most unconscious links in your personality structure.
Ascendant:
The ascendant is based on the time, day and place of birth, and is both the sign and degree of the first house. The ascendant represents your “external self” and your outside appearance to the world, as well as the world’s general perception of you as a person. It is also widely believed to rule your physical characteristics.
Midheaven:
English for Medium Coeli, the Midheaven is a point on the natal chart located on the cusp of the 10th house. To astrologers, the Midheaven governs career, public reputation and interactions with authority.
First House:
Your self-identity. How you appear to the world and the first impression you make on others. Your external presentation, including physical characteristics (body type, facial features, etc).
Second House:
Your personal resources. Money matters, possessions and your relationship with both.
Third House:
Your immediate environment. Short trips, neighbors, communication with others, learning. Your relationships with siblings.
Fourth House:
Your home and family. Your childhood and ancestral roots. Your mother and maternal influences in general.
Fifth House:
Your creative inspiration and self-expression. Self-investment, risk-taking, love affairs, children and luck.
Sixth House:
Your daily life. Health concerns, work and service. Personal sacrifice.
Seventh House:
Your identity in relationship to others. Dating, marriage, partnerships of all kinds. Contracts.
Eighth House:
Sex and your relationship to the resources of others. Death and inheritance. Transformational release, and our ability to “rebound.” Rituals of all types.
Ninth House:
Long-distance travel, higher education, philosophy and mental expansion of all types. Law and publishing.
Tenth House:
Your relationship to authority and power. Reputation, social status and career. Government institutions. Your father and authority figures in general.
Eleventh House:
Your friends and your connection to humanity in general. Group associations. Hopes and aspirations, ideals. Honors received.
Twelfth House:
Your spiritual life and your connection to the cosmos. Dreams and the unconscious. Things that are hidden. Music. Your karmic quest.
Types of Transits
Sextile (60 degree angle) and Trines (120 degrees) indicate where energies flow harmoniously. Take advantage of these transits to lighten your load, make your move, get that date, etc.
Squares (90 degrees) are the most challenging of all aspects. Conquering a square can be difficult and requires discipline, but the prize is worth the effort.
Oppositions (180 degrees) challenge you in your relationships with other people. Sometimes you feel a positive, stimulating exchange of energy. Other times we deal with conflicts, confrontations, schisms or separations. Someone else could be mirroring something about yourself you need to deal with but have had difficulty seeing.
Conjunctions (0 degrees) can go either way and depend much upon the nature of the two planets coming together. For example, Venus and Jupiter make a fun, if potentially lazy, combination while Mars and Pluto can be pretty heavy since they both relate to anger and ego.
The human mind is a marvelous set of structures and systems. It is a center
of consciousness and action. It forms a unique identity. It creates a view of
the world. Rich experience emerges from its interactions with the world. It
thinks. It feels. It wants. It apprehends truths and suppresses errors. It
achieves insights and fabricates prejudices. Both useful truths and harmful
misconceptions are its intermixed products. It can as easily believe what is
false as what is true.
So it’s true…I’m an idiot.
I fell for the age-old manipulation game. I saw that tasty worm on the hook, and charged for it. I just can’t believe I let myself fall for it after so many times before. I’ve realized he is my drug. Him, who’s name I will not bring up again in respect of him. So that tasty worm pulled me down so low I had to be locked away in Meadhaven, a psychiatric unit in Baptist Hospital in Montgomery. It was definitely a cool experience looking back into my previous week, despite how much I hated being there at the time. There was the crazy old lady who was extremely sensitive and overly nice to other people (I swear she had to be a Pisces). Damn she knew how to work your nerves though. But she was a hoot and I kinda miss her! Her name was Linda. Then there was the multi-personality patient who had a wig for each person she was for the moment, and swore I was a famous person because I was “good-looking” (hey I’ll take it). And let’s not forget the schizo who swore up and down that there were people messing with her who nobody else could see. Poor girl. Anyways, it was well worth the visit, and I feel ready to start my journey into the unknown. Wish me luck! One day at a time.
So….today was awkward. Well let me start from the beginning, first of all, one week ago, from today, Jeff and I broke up, as you read from the previous blog. It happens quite frequently, so don’t let me startled any new viewers. We have come to the conclusion that we cannot continue our relationship the way that it has been going on (obviously), and had to make some drastic decisions if we wanted to keep our love alive. I have made new discoveries of myself from an awesome book I have been reading, and thought, “hey! We’ve been doing things all wrong!” You must understand that this has gone on for 3 years now, and the road to happiness has been anything but easy. We have been through intense rough periods, that felt like the end of the world at times, but along with that, intense wonderful periods, which is what keeps me fighting for us. Please excuse my rant on how I was convinced I was co-dependent. After reading a lot of my book, I’ve found, it’s not that at all. I am not scared to be alone, as a matter of fact, I enjoy most of the time. What breaks me down on so many levels is the confusion that swells my mind from the lack of communication with Jeff. We are not very good communicators. And me, ha, well I’m world’s worst :/. Anyhow, I feel the love for him oozing from my heart, despite the band-aids I’ve needed to patch things up. This isn’t the last argument, this isn’t the last disagreement, and like any other couple, this isn’t the last battle. I admit, our fights tend to be a little over-dramatic. But it adds so much more to the love afterwards. So ready for the downfall?
Of course, with all great things, there is a negative side. I’ve lost all my friends, well, what I thought were friends. Let’s start with the least likely one to ever attend my funeral, Adam McWhorter. The name says it all (lol). This dude is downright psychotic, and I mean that literally. He will step on your newborn child if he/she was in his way of want he’s after. Our whole friendship has been based on swapping pills and a music competition. Well not so much of a competition, since he’s totally tone-deaf. But hey, it’s his hobby so whatever, I’m not the best vocalist either. Anyways, in our (Jeff & I) first year of knowing each other, we were having one of our usual breaks, when Adam calls me confessing he had given Jeff a blowjob, and he was only letting me know because he wanted to be a good friend. Well, recently I have discovered, he did not call me for the intentions that he told me at the time. He filled me in because he was secretly head-over-heals in lust with Jeff, and Jeff would not return his phone calls. Yeah, sneaky one, huh?! Well this is typical of him if you ask any gay male from the Montgomery area of Alabama. Poor guy has had a try with every walking homo in town, if they even gave him a chance that is, and the ones that didn’t were the lucky ones. Anyhow, getting off topic, so today, Jeff and I took a drive to John & Jeremy’s house (two of my other….yeah), and while Jeff & I reside in John’s living room, I decide to get up and go smoke a cigarette. I stopped near the back room where people smoke their green stuff, because I heard Adam’s voice in that tone of Oh-I’m talking-major-shit-about-someone-and-I’m-loving-every-second-of-it-because-it-distracts-everyone-from-how-psycho-I-am, so I stand there to listen in, and hear John’s voice, all I heard from John’s voice was something about “I knooow” in an agitated tone. I was suspicious they were talking about Jeff and I getting back together, since everyone hates that part of our relationship. But I didn’t hear anything they said, and stood in the kitchen. I wore my “i-know-a-secret” look to see what I might get our of their expressions to find out if they were really talking about me. Jeremy shot glances but I didn’t suspect anything from him because he usually doesn’t talk about people behind their backs, but he still gave me a look of “omg did he hear them? Oh shit.” But Adam and John showed me some colorful colors. Adam completely overdid it. He was making far too many jokes referring to things that would make me laugh, then stood staring at me waiting for my pin-down, which I didn’t give away so easily. John, acted as he always did when he thought he might be caught in a lie but still had a chance of keeping the lie alive, but far too much guilt in his eyes for me too believe him, but like I said, I didn’t hear anything…. 😀 I let Jeff know what’s up and he went out on the porch because he just didn’t feel comfortable in their house anymore. I finally could not stand the tension in the house and I confronted Adam, who as first lied, then saw I wasn’t buying it, and THEN all of a sudden might have remembered a thing or two, but JOHN didn’t say anything. Mhm, you’re far too stuck up his ass at the moment for me to believe that. He then started blaming me, which then let me know I was right about the whole thing after all. I will admit, I totally am to blame for crying to these people over and over about a situation I should have handled on my own, and the confusion I’ve caused everyone really ticks me off at myself. So after hanging out a bit trying to forget the whole scenario, it became awfully quite, a little too quite, and the tension that John was oozing out of his pores told me I needed to leave. So I left, without a word, in front of John, Jeremy, and the rest of the world to see. I cried on the way back at the thought of fucking up my friendships and how I literally had nobody left as a friend. But I soon let these thoughts ease as I was getting text after text from Adam, who even had the balls to tell me John is lying about not knowing what’s going on (which I knew already with Adam McWhorter being in the house) just to hurt me even more, which in actually made me feel so much better I finally knew the truth. I then brushed my shoulders off for good. But that’s not all…
Chelsey, my best friend, who has just returned from rehab a reborn person, also left me stranded for my decision. This is because a few nights ago, she told me she would have nothing to do with me if I went back to Jeff. Wrong idea. Chelsey, has just turned a best friend into an enemy. Throughout my years of knowing her, I’ve stuck by her side through thick and thin when her grandmother died, her mother died, when she was in a bad relationship, even when she was in the loony bin coming off cocaine and didn’t even feel she could tell me about the cocaine, just harnessing me of how depressed she was and expecting me to do something about it. Well no wonder you were depressed!! Now that you’ve informed me you were a cocaine user six months later…Well, the brainwashed Chelsey that has returned from rehab fully robotic, has kept her word, and left my side. I can agree that she just doesn’t want to deal with the “Jeff problem” anymore, but FUCK, not everyone can get their mind totally washed out by one of the many fucked up institutes of America. This is the girl who I talked to everyday almost, and the girl who watched Zeitgeist with me in utter disbelief of how our system works, and the girl who supported my theory on astrology and America’s real agenda. It’s very sad to see someone so close go…It also hurts I’ve wasted my years with these people when they have all betrayed me. Adam, was never my friend so I’ll exclude him. But the other two, just downright sickening.
Well, I’m going to end this blog because I’ve been typing for about 45 minutes now! I’m sure I’ll get plenty of nasty comments on this one…but the award already goes to Adam because he’s nuts and he doesn’t mean anything he says….or does he?….I guess we’ll never know…
My new life begins now….
For 3 years…3 entire years, we’ve climbed up and down every mountain, swam across every ocean, pushed aside great intentions, just to end up in the giant forest of lost, confused lovers who subconsciously knew where they were heading. This isn’t a cry for help, this isn’t a plea for forgiveness. This is my testimonial of how fucked up a human being has the ability to be…
His name is Jeff, he holds 17 years over me and still seems like he’s had as much life experience as a maggot. I don’t hate him, contrary to what I yell at him, and I know he doesn’t hate me. It seems that we’ve come to an intimidating test of patience, that looks like we will not pass. His lies simply cannot be denied, forgiven, nor forgotten. And that, my friends, leaves me in a cell with a small possibility of someone bringing the key. But really though, where is that damn key? The key to myself, my heart, my passions, me…and only me..? I have an eerie suspicion that this “key” might not exist at all. Like the dog who’s tied to the tree. If only he were smart enough to bite through that rope. Maybe there is a way out. I know what they’ll say, “Chris, you must realize the truth behind it all. Chris, you must forgive yourself and move on at your own pace.” Remember, you’re telling someone who runs before he walks, which has taken a major toll on my life. I have ADHD… and a bad case of it. Not to mention major depression, which has but my mother through a hell that the average joe could not even begin to imagine. I’m have severe fixed qualities and extremely set in stone about what I want in life. But looking deeper, it seems like just the opposite, I have no idea what I want!
It wasn’t this that set it off, it wasn’t that, that set it off, it’s been this and that, and oh, don’t forget that, and oh yeah, remember this time? I couldn’t tell you how many bombs have been dropped and why, for all the impulses have made it a blurred picture. I admit I’ve held secrets in the past, for my own selfish advantage, but nothing too extravagant. Probably the worse would be sending online messages to people from my past, confessing how much I missed that person, or not telling him about minor sexual encounters during one of our bi-weekly break-ups. Plus, I’ve held up my part of the deal by confessing these embarrassing stories. Which I know, is not easy. Why does he continue to lie to me? I don’t think he lies big time, but just enough to break my heart. What hurts even more, is that he’s pushed the envelope even further by fucking my best friends. Yeah, talk about a scar that ain’t goin’ nowhere. A four-year old could tell you we just don’t belong together, but my heart tells me to hold on strong, ’cause this is it, this is my love, this is my life’s best attribute. But how could someone who has the ability to hurt me so professionally, hold on to my interest so intensely? I’ve never been a co-dependent person, but I think I’ve grown into one. If I had a brain, this guy would be history. ‘Cause you can ask anyone, Chris Strickland (Mahood now) just don’t give a fuck! I attracted the people I call my friends because of my independent, sarcastic attitude towards life and how the typical southern gay personage just wasn’t me. I didn’t need a man. I was above that. I had a brain. And if you asked me for love tips, I would have told you that you were stupid to think it would ever last in the first place, giving the location and sexuality we posses. Well that cat has tripped and fallen on his stupid face, for everyone to point and laugh at. Not to his face, of course…
I know he won’t call. Not for closure, anyway. I’ll break before it happens. I don’t feel strongly about this kind of decision as I would have, say, a year or 2 years ago. Because I know this has happened too many times, and it seems like I’ve overlooked it as being a quality of our relationship that I’ll just have to get over.
January 17, I believe it was, he dropped a bomb on me that still holds weights down on my heart. He played the age-old break-up act. And damn, he played it good. I was so shocked and hurt, that he ran the game smack on me, and I fell for it. I gave him the satisfaction. I know the devastation of our recent break-up, 3 days before, that grew wilder in my heart, kept him up at night. So, he did what he had to do to push those thoughts out of his head, I should have known he was so desperate to have a chat with me about why I was the one in the wrong. He even took advantage of my real, mental disabilities, and insulted me for it! What a jerk! I sat there listening to my flaws and his lies and of course, me being stupid and careless about my own heart at the time, I cried even harder, thinking it would help. No. It didn’t. It made his evil, manipulative ego fly off the charts. He loved it. I gave him the satisfaction of feeling rationally guilt-free, while I hid under a rock of pathetic self-mutilation, for certain I was a horrible person. He ignored me every time I tried to approach, and even went to the lengths of changing his number.
February 5, I cried and begged my way back into the relationship by confessing the horrible things I’ve done, but also letting him know he was just as wrong, and has put me through major hell during the break-up. He fucked somebody 2 days after our break-up, go figure. I tried burning him for that, along with many other things, which he quickly justified as being someone else’s fault, or just confusing me altogether. So when we got back together, he did what any typical woman would do to manipulate a man she doesn’t want anymore, he kept me on the line, just because I still pleased in him in some way, which was sexually. He wanted my sex, and my admiration towards him. He even kept a new “friend” in the picture convincing me that there was nothing between the two, which was a complete lie I’ve come to find out. He needed a back-up plan. He even admitted this through frustration. Well I refuse to be his sloppy seconds, and I hope the guy he’s talking to, to have the brains to see it as well (who seems just as pathetic). But it’s alright, the only reason Brad (the new interest) would date him is because Jeff is SHOWING him interest. I’ll just let Brad get to know him, slowly and painfully, until he kicks him to the curb as well. I will not use this time for self-pity. I’m a smart, charming, funny, & FINE ass guy, that’s why the jerk fell in love with me in the first place. I will survive this, even if it kills me…
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